Me On The Other Side

Every year, on this day, this memory pops up on Facebook. It floods me with so many emotions. It knocks the wind out me with the memory of where I was at this time & fills me with pride at how far I've come since then. In this picture you see me showing off a new do. When I look at this picture I see the darkest point of my life. I see grey skin & dull eyes. I see sadness. I see anger. I see hopelessness. I see despair & desperation. I see the trenches of postartum depression. I see a 2 year battle that was worsened by a miscarriage months prior. I see Mother morning her baby for a 2nd time as she should have given birth a few days before. You see a new hair do. I see someone trying change something. To look in the mirror and see anything besides grey. Some kind of life still in there. Some kind of joy. But, there was still nothing. My sparkle was gone. My Marriage was failing. My kids were anxious. My family & the people I loved most didn't understand. They thought "Mandy's turned in to a bitch since she had kids." I told myself "This is normal. This is how it is with little ones." Tired, stressed, on edge ...
2 weeks later, the bottom would drop out. I would hit my rock bottom. It was a "Bring me to Jesus moment". One that I may share the details of one day, but I'm not ready for that yet... The only way to go from rock bottom is up. I found Jesus again. I found myself again. My Husband got his wife back. My kids got their Mom back. Sometimes the guilt & sadness of those 2 years still brings me to my knees, but I'm so proud of the work I've done on myself since & so grateful for God's Mercy & Grace giving me another chance at this life.
I am fully aware of how blessed we that are my rock bottom didn't leave my children without a Mother. If you know someone who just doesn't seem the same after having a baby. Even 2 years down the road. Talk to them. Check on them. Show them you care. No Mother wants to admit she needs help. That she can't do it all alone. If you've had a baby & you're feeling the way I felt. Get help. Please. You are not alone. You are loved. Your family needs you here & healthy. I promise you, this isn't just how it is parenting littles. There is still life & beauty & joy to be had. You can get your sparkle back.
Blessings from the other side,
Mandy