Me On The Other Side

Every year, on this day, this memory pops up on Facebook. It floods me with so many emotions. It knocks the wind out me with the memory of where I was at this time & fills me with pride at how far I've come since then. In this picture you see me showing off a new do. When I look at this picture I see the darkest point of my life. I see grey skin & dull eyes. I see sadness. I see anger. I see hopelessness. I see despair & desperation. I see the trenches of postartum depression. I see a 2 year battle that was worsened by a miscarriage months prior. I see Mother morning her baby for a 2nd time as she should have given birth a few days before. You see a new hair do. I see someone trying change something. To look in the mirror and see anything besides grey. Some kind of life still in there. Some kind of joy. But, there was still nothing. My sparkle was gone. My Marriage was failing. My kids were anxious. My family & the people I loved most didn't understand. They thought "Mandy's turned in to a bitch since she had kids." I told myself "This is normal. This is how it is with little ones." Tired, stressed, on edge ...
2 weeks later, the bottom would drop out. I would hit my rock bottom. It was a "Bring me to Jesus moment". One that I may share the details of one day, but I'm not ready for that yet... The only way to go from rock bottom is up. I found Jesus again. I found myself again. My Husband got his wife back. My kids got their Mom back. Sometimes the guilt & sadness of those 2 years still brings me to my knees, but I'm so proud of the work I've done on myself since & so grateful for God's Mercy & Grace giving me another chance at this life.
I am fully aware of how blessed we that are my rock bottom didn't leave my children without a Mother. If you know someone who just doesn't seem the same after having a baby. Even 2 years down the road. Talk to them. Check on them. Show them you care. No Mother wants to admit she needs help. That she can't do it all alone. If you've had a baby & you're feeling the way I felt. Get help. Please. You are not alone. You are loved. Your family needs you here & healthy. I promise you, this isn't just how it is parenting littles. There is still life & beauty & joy to be had. You can get your sparkle back.
Blessings from the other side,
Mandy

Old AF & Loving Every Minute Of It

Last night we had a reunion with a group of our old party crew from our 20's.  These are girls that we drank & danced with all night.  We'd pregame, close down the bars, & then find the after party.  Those were the days right?

As I was getting ready to meet the girls for dinner at 6:30 I was thinking about how much things had changed from 20 years ago when we were prepping to head out.  

I was putting on my makeup & plucked 2 grey hairs from my eyebrow.  I thought of how we'd be getting ready together.  Having some drinks while putting on our makeup. Listening to some good 90s-2000s Hip Hop & talking about which guys we hoped to run into.  Last night I was leaving my favorite guys, putting on the comfortable shoes over the cuter ones,  listening to baby shark in the background & wanted to be sure to be out the door by 5:45. 

20 years ago we wouldn't have eaten anything until the bar closed. We'd binge on McDonalds or the 24 hour diner, while we talked about everything that happened that night.  Analyzing every action "that guy" made & laughing about the "fucking bitches". Last night we spent 2 hours at dinner.  We ordered healthy meals.  Talked about everything from the last 20 years. Our lifestyle changes, our babies, our spouses, our jobs.  If the "we" from 20 years ago had been there, we'd have been shaking our damn heads & figuring out a ways to get the fuck out of there.

We headed to the first bar about 8:30.  They sat my first drink in front of me in solo cup.  I believe my exact words were "Oh.  A solo cup.  You don't get that everyday."  Mandy...  Snooty Much?  The Mandy from 20 years ago  rolledh eyes so fucking far back in to her head she could see her brain.  20 years ago Mandy would have just asked for a bottle of beer.  She wouldn't have given a fuck if her "Club Soda & Titos With Lemon & Lime Wedges" was in a glass glass.  Come. On. But, after a couple drinks & the DJ started with 90's - 00's Hip Hop I loosened up & pulled the stick outta my ass.  For awhile anyway...  There weren't many in the bar, as it was still old people hours, but we were still having a blast.  

We went around to a few other bars, but there was no dancing going on, so we came back to the first bar for the DJ.  Like I said, he was awesome, & playing all of our favorites.  Well when we came back it was later.  I think around midnight.  No longer old people hours so we should fit right in, right?  Wrong.  SO WRONG.  I don't know what happened.  It's all a bit of a blur but there was so much humping.  Humping the floor, humping speakers, humping, upon humping.  I think it was supposed to be dancing but everywhere you looked there were butt cheeks flapping.  At one point some 20 something guy took a group pic for us.  I said "Do we look like a bunch of MILF's?"  He laughed.  It was at this moment I came to the conclusion that we are the Old People now.  

I remembered that 20 years ago we didn't go out until later because before 10 was Old People hour.  It was too quiet & they played Old People music.  When we liked the music at this bar when we were there at 8:30, it was because WE ARE THE OLD PEOPLE! WTF!? 

After watching the train wreck that was going on it wasn't long before we decided to call it a night.   I came home & snuggled in bed with my Hubby & of course 2 of my little ones.  Thankful for this life & that I'm not stuck where I was 20 years ago.   I slept with a happy heart.  That is until I got worken up by charlie horses in my thighs from dancing & had to get up & drink some Magnesium.  Again, because I'm Old AF.
Thinking back on it all today, I am SO thankful to be the old people.  I am so thankful for the time with these girls last night & 20 years ago.  I  thought going out last night was about reliving our glory days, but it really was about reconnecting with these beautiful amazing women.  I could have sat and talked and LAUGHED with these girls for the entire night.  They've always made me laugh until my face hurts.  All we've been through the last 20 years...  We'd gone from some having surprise babies in their teens, to some of us having surprise babies in our 40s.  We've lost parents, we've lost friends, we've lost babies.  We've watched some of our kids fight for their lives, we've lost ourselves pouring every ounce of ourselves into those we love & we've all come out of it as these "No Fucks Left" 40 Year Olds (credit to Beth K for this term).  Secure in ourselves.  Unapologetic for doing what makes us happy & whats best for our family.  It wasn't the party I missed. It was those smiling faces.  These strong, kind, smart, funny, amazing women. I need them & all the other women like them that God has graced my life with during this crazy journey more than they could ever know.  I cannot wait til next time with these girls.  Maybe at a spa though, or at least someplace with much less butt flapping.